the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
