now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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