Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
