You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
