I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
