guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
