I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
