Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
