Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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