I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
