Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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