At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
zippers are such a cool invention
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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