people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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