Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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