i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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