we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
