Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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