My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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