Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
