I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
