I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
