You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Found your dick twin last night
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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