those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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