i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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