Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
