She is in my trunk
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
