Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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