get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He passed out mid-signature
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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