Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
