I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
