party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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