Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
