Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
