i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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