I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
