Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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