Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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