i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
