my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
