Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
