if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
