The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
