Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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