um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
