I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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