Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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