my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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