Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
