Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We had sex on a dog bed..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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