why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
