I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
