Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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