I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
