There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.